Shit That I Can’t Quite Do Online Anymore As I Near the Age of 30

• Can’t talk street. Saying “yo” at the end of a sentence, or “izzl-ing” every 2nd or 3rd word. Even if I happen to talk like that in person, putting my face with those sentences online is not really cool anymore.

• Telling the whole word how intoxicated I am, especially if the substances causing the intoxication are still illegal.

• Engage in random rants with someone else. I am always open for a debate and discussion, but the minute it turns into name calling and personal attacks (calling someone, but not limited to “Gay” or “Douche”) in uppercase letters, I’ll have to slowly turn away and accept the win quietly. Verbal jousts will have to require a well placed argument from now on.

• Quizzes. I admit I do love quizzes, but I should at least know who the fuck I am through my experiences as I get older, and it’s not the end of the world if I scored as Johnny Drama in an Entourage quiz.

• Posting unnecessary pictures of myself. There’s no need for new profile pictures unless I get a haircut. Chugging a drink or a taking bonghits are not exactly cool if the wrong people see it. Taking pictures with beautiful chicks that I barely know in a simulated sexual position does not make me a Casanova (or Ron Jeremy for that matter).

• Crazy photoshopped pictures of myself. I’m not quite the photoshop wizard I was back in 2003. Unless it was for a portfolio or it was actually published in an actual publication, it is only a matter time till my face on someone else’s body is deemed not funny anymore.

• Brag about a project that is not at least 80% finished.

• Uncreative surveys. They seem to only be useful for dating sites like eharmony and true.

• Making oneself crazy private to the world to a point where no one could add. I came to the realization that I am not a celebrity and if I want my life to be any more private, why do I have a Facebook/Myspace/Twitter account? How about I just don’t reveal anything on my profile, and not add seedy people in my past that request me?

• Making drama public. It’s only my profile, not my reality show or novella.