Since November 5th (Blogging From the Top of my Head)

Since November 5th I have not written another blog. Maybe it is my attention span with updating something new in my life or an opinion I would like to share in the world. It is the couple month layoff that I usually have with my blogs usually attributed to a couple factors including 1 - repeating the same blog but in a different context, or 2 - no longer having the time, energy, and youthful boldness to talk about people I know. As Randy the Ram Robinson said through Mickey Rourke's portrayal, I'm just an old beat up piece of meat, except for the fact that I was not necessarily beat up but more like left around to rot. Maybe you can say I have been beat up by time.

For the past couple of months that I have not been blogging, I came into terms of who I am, version 2.0. It feels like a redundant repeating process that shows an indication of no direction in life, or not being happy in life. I revealed to my girlfriend earlier that I was on the way to becoming a Professor versed in Asian American studies and a novelist on the side before my father passed away. When he went away, it felt as if my whole family, namely my brothers intervened into my life and indirectly attempt to mold me into their likeness. I had no choice really. After all being out in the real world with just a degree that's not guaranteed to give you anything was pretty scary in hindsight. Even with my brother's influence, I can't help but feel that large void left by father which even the both of them are not big enough to fill.

Then it dawned on me. In a way, I felt the same distance even when my father was still alive. Both my older brothers joked a little during my birthday saying that "Yeah, we tried to steer you back when you were about to graduate high school, but somewhere we fucked up." By then my father left me on cruise control, leaving it to my brothers to direct me to whichever path. It became more apparent then when I looked into my father's eyes when he was bed ridden; there was so much he wanted to say to me yet it was hard to reciprocate then. I was a fourth year, running a Fraternity, and slugging through classes worrying if I have enough to graduate. Even Six years after his passing, I'm still feeling effects of the void he left behind, still no direction and feeling the same kind of distance but this time with my family who left me on cruise control.

I had a conversation with one of my very good friends, whom I call a constant after getting laid off from my recent job. She discussed with me how I never had a good grown up conversation with my father. When I mean by a good grown up conversation, its a conversation along the lines of where I was in life - grown up, no school, and (a sense of) independence. I always have these conversations with my mom, and I imagined how those conversations would be like with my dad. They probably would not be the friendliest of conversations but definitely it would have had a greater effect in my life, maybe even reinforcing a proper direction. Maybe that has been missing these past couple of years, but I know for a fact that both my older brothers do not have that effect my father would, no matter how distant we are from each other. It is history repeated all over again, coming into the terms how I entered high school with these ridiculous expectations left by my brother's reputations, and once again entering the real world with the same expectations left by both of them. As they turned water into wine, they done so with the proper direction and sternness left by my father. For me, I'm not expected to do the same, but rather MAKE water from rubbing two rocks together, with menial guidance from my brothers. I have been doing that the past couple of years and somehow I have a system going - and I continue everyday to fine tune that system because I am not at that point yet.

I quickly do flash back to junior high when I got second place in the Black History Bee. Nobody in my family showed up throughout the competition but as I faced the audience at the final leg, I saw my father smiling and clapping. Back then I felt like, "Cool, I have a ride back home" but now in hindsight it is that same accomplishment that made my dad smile and clap that I have to strive for in my life right now. It didn't matter where I placed, just as long as I did him proud. I felt that even though it is harder to achieve that with him not around, I realize what I need to do is something that I have to find within myself rather than getting pushed by my family's support.